...i'm still trying to become the best ME i can be.
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Posted 12, May, 2013

it’s not goodbye.

i can’t believe that after these last 5 months, this will be one of the last times i see you for some time. i don’t know how this is going to be but i trust that you will always be around. and for that reason alone, i know i found a friend. 

as i told you many a times before - when i first met you, i didn’t think we were going to be friends. i thought you were extra cunTY, and even though i am a little bit of cunt, i wasn’t ready for you. and i just continued to spend time with you as weeks passed by…and one day, it just clicked. i loved you as a person, and i knew that i would do anything to ensure your being. in these short 5 months, you and i have been on a rollercoaster of emotions. and i honestly do not know what i would have been like without your presence in my life during these past 5 months. this whole year was a dark time, but your light came into my life and shined into those dark corners…and i hope that that’s what i was able to do for you. hearing what you said about your friends in the past and what you’ve been through…even though we come from different stories, different lives, different arenas, God brought us together. He was in control when He allowed us to meet. 

i’ve never allowed myself to get as close to someone as i have you. i thought that i did with my own best friend, and it took much longer and much more development. with you, it clicked after some time. i look into your eyes and yearn to see that brightness that i once saw…the brightness i saw when i first met you. i know that the world is coming down on you but you’re going to prevail. and like He is always there, I am and always will be. 

this is hard for me to realize. that when i come back to Pittsburgh, i can’t walk down to your house anymore. those 7 minutes of peace until i come to your corner, and see your smiling face opening that door saying “hey, boo!” with your happy face. the tears we’ve had. the conversations we had. remaining in the id with you at all times. instead of letting the egos (and superegos) we both possess to get in the way of our conversations. you taught me how to let my walls down. and realize everyone isn’t out to hurt you. and people want to help you, love you, support you and BELIEVE in you. you showed me that faster than anyone i know. you accepted me for who I was. and for that, i’m forever grateful. you’ve impacted me, and your presence will always be engraved in my spirit.

our paths will cross again. we may be separating now, but that doesn’t mean it’s forever…

5 notes
Posted 1, May, 2013

20%.

i can’t believe i’m writing this right now. i’m actually done with the first year of my graduate school program. this is one step towards both my master’s degree and my doctoral degree. and to think that when i got here, i actually considered going home. every day. i hated it. i’m not saying that i love it now. but i’m starting to appreciate it in some ways. and i feel like next year is going to be my rebirth. i’m going to come back completely ready and prepped to go in. at least, i hope so. i think especially because i will be in Cuba this summer, i really will come back with a new experience. i’m going alone. without knowing anyone. the only time that has happened was when i went to Boston the first time. now, i’m going to be doing this in a different country. this will be an experience and it’s so unreal right now, but i’m looking forward to it.

this year was the struggliest year ever of my life. one of them. probably like, top 3. and that’s 23 years of life. so that’s really big. hospital twice. one surgery. doctor’s visits. sicknesses. traveling between here and maryland, atlanta, new york, and st. louis. going to a party in new york [that is a story i will forever have etched into the back of my mind…]. seeing my best friend every other month. seeing his mom every 4 months. crying. throwing up every day for a week straight. struggling through 3 page papers or 35 page papers. not having the motivation to even get up some days. not knowing what my teachers are saying or my colleagues are saying because i don’t understand them. car accident. meeting new friends. meeting new fuck boys. losing 20 pounds. probably blowing over $2000 in weed in an 8 month period. but i made it. i made it. and i can only thank Him for that. because He is the only one that allowed me to get to this point. i’m so thankful. because i was really going to go back to atlanta. but i’m still here. and i’m coming back. and they actually like me.

i just wanna get better in this next year and the years following. i’m going back to square one in the friend department: the two real connections i made are leaving me for other journeys they have to take. and i’m stuck here, building myself back up with trying to make friends…i hate this process. i feel like i won’t even want to try next year. but i think i am going to try to start making real efforts to go to academic meetings/clubs. meet some other students. maybe make connections with the new students that come in. it’s going to be so crazy to have a leg up on students. i’m not a first year student anymore. it’s a blessing to have these people see my potential. and i continue to strive to become a better me. and excel in every realm i can. i will continue to do that. i can work on so much stuff this summer. and i plan to.

thank you Lord. that’s all i can say. help me focus better in this new year. help me kick my terrible habit [that’s cigarettes also]. help me connect with these colleagues better. help me be a great professor to these students i will have in this next year. help me feel as confident as i come off. help me keep this weight off. help me stay motivated. help me find peace. help me find a cure for my loneliness. help me find a cure for my anxiety. help me find a cure for my depression. help me keep my mind clear. help me get closer to You, Father.

i’m a second year graduate student. this time next year, i will be the recipient of a Master’s Degree.